Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
