I cannot find my penis.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
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