my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
