he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Randomize
