Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
