I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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