So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
The ass gains better be worth it
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