I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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