I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
