i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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