I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
