I can't watch pbs sober anymore
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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