She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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