i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
