Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
