some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
this will be a night to untag.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
