I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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