Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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