i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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