Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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