You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
