Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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