Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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