Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
