The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Randomize
