i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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