I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
