I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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