Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
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I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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