I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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