my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
love makes seman taste better
so let's talk penis.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
