Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
