My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
