if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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