i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
