Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
