Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I just found a bag of teeth...
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
FUCK WHALES
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Randomize
