you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
