Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
