I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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