Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
