Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
