Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
