I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
