I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Randomize
