We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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