i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
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