you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
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