You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"