I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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