Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
