Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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