Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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