dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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